She looks at herself in the mirror and flips her hair off from her shoulders. Tears are starting to fall down from her eyes and she can’t stand seeing her imperfections in a reflecting surface. She sees someone very ugly, horrible and awful in her eyes. She can see all the bad memories in the mirror playing. And she can’t accept that she was born that way. She hears the words again. She hears the lies. She hears everything. She wants to disappear. She closes her eyes wiping her tears away and a small voice rustled in her ears rapidly, “Don’t look at your imperfections, look at what I did for You. Look to Me.”
That she was I. That girl was Rinnah. Those were the times I felt really bad and saw myself as very inferior and miserable because the words thrown at me were cruelly tormenting my life all over again.
I knew it was God. I knew He was the One who whispered in my ear. And I suddenly remembered how He actually reminded me of what His Son, Jesus, did for me on the cross. I remember of how He finished everything and made me whole and complete in His eyes. The moment He died on that cross, it was Him saying that He loves me and that will never change; and that moment He bowed and surrendered His Spirit, it was His way telling me that I am secure on what He did. My identity will never be based on what I see on the mirror; it will never be based on what people say but my identity is based on what He did for me. FOR YOU.
I walked down the streets and people looked at me from head to toe as if they saw a human for the very first time. I knew there were questions at the back of their heads. I always knew there’s something wrong with me. I know. I knew. And it used to kill me so much that I always have to turn my back away from them just to avoid their stares. I couldn’t help myself but to feel bad even more. As I walk away towards them, I see curious kids following behind and look at me with so much bravery as if they’ve got to say something right there in front of me. I was feeling terrible. I was feeling gruesome and monstrous. And the feelings that I’ve felt were all sickening me. They were tiring.
I didn’t know what to do. But I forget them immediately. But when another day comes again, the whole scenario repeats. My heart was so heavy that I couldn’t even say a single word. My throat hurt. I was holding my tears back. I didn’t want to cry. And I hid it to myself for almost forever. I hid all the feelings of being stared badly, those twinges of pain, and the gossips they thought I’ve never heard. That is how I felt living my life years back.
It was not easy.
But I made it through.
Things that happened before are still happening now. It still hurts. But I thank God because I knew Him in a very life-changing way. I thank Him because I knew Someone who would always catch me from my falling downs and celebrates with me in my getting ups. I know that God will heal me from my past experiences. I know He is working on me. And I know that in my weakest and frailest moments, He is most glorified because people will see how He works in and through me.
She looks at herself again in the reflection, but this time, she’s smiling. And she hears something…
You are beautiful.
I heard it.
-Rinnah Ramirez 🙂