I’m Not a Monster

I’m not a monster.

What? Of course you’re not, you’re a human, your mind speaks.

Wait, before you react, I’ll tell you the whole story.

In my article, Someone Whispered Beautiful, it tells you every scene that happened to me. But for some of you who didn’t get it, I’ll tell you why.

I have congenital scoliosis and it’s not just that. My scoliosis affected my neck that it’s not normal at all. (See picture below) Every day I go out of our front door and every person who sees me for the first time look at me with disgusted, curious, and intimidating faces. It’s as if my sickness is viral. Truth is, it’s not. Every young child is very normal to be curious about almost everything they see but realizing that I can’t even take the mere fact of them looking at me so badly, from head to toe, it’s just very horrible to feel.

That’s me. (DO YOU LOVE MY BEAUTIFUL FACE. Kidding)

I’m 17 years of age. Since I am a girl, with a long black-not-so-shiny hair, I try to hide my biggest weakness. Biggest weakness? My biggest weakness is to remove my hair off from my shoulders and let everyone see my abnormality in my neck. Thing is, I can never hide it because no matter how I try, everyone still sees it; everyone still notices it.

I couldn’t even tie my hair confidently (maybe at home); I couldn’t even wear collared shirts/blouses; I hate wearing our school uniform because the neck part doesn’t fit (you can laugh if you want to); I couldn’t even wear V-necklaces because it isn’t suitable enough for me to wear it. There are a lot of things I couldn’t wear and do. I couldn’t even go to wall climbing because my back might hurt; I couldn’t go and skate with my friends because I might fall (but I escaped once); I couldn’t even go and tire myself just by enjoying stuffs as a teenager. And it’s not easy.

As much as the past is concerned, words that were been hurled at me are still echoing in my head. Although, I forgave the people who told me that I’m weird, abnormal and ugly and that I know for a fact that my neck is not normal, it is just so painful that I could die emotionally and desiring to be numb from those.

When I was younger, my classmates didn’t want me to join eating with them to lunch and recess. And at the end of time, I’ll catch myself being alone in the swing eating.

Everything in the past was just plainly traumatic and don’t even want to hear those words again. NEVER.

It’s been years. But it doesn’t end there. Imagine, every day of my life are just repetitions of happenings in my past (although this time maturely), and it still hurts. But you know what’s amazing? GOD LOVES ME DESPITE OF MY DEFECTS.

And I can say that despite of my faults, imperfections, and flaws, God pushes me to my limitations to face the reality; and the reality is I am loved, beautiful, free, and healed.

Again, I’m not a monster.

I’m a child of the King.

–Rinnah Ramirez 🙂