Pastor’s kid. Leader. Coach. Minister. Writer. Speaker. That’s how people see me in general.
Brave. Strong. Inspiration. Fighter. Me.
However, I struggle too. A lot. I have compromised. A lot. I went through the fire. A lot. I surrendered to God every single day. A lot.
I’ve had the toughest time in my life when it comes to honoring God and finding myself somewhere the earth. I’ve always thought of becoming someone stronger and wiser after a couple of months of going through various heartbreaks and trying to spend time in discovering who I really am, but then I’ve realized more than just that. It was another day, another night, another hour, another week, another month – standing in the middle of nowhere, feeling nothing – and as the skies have passed through my vision, I realized I wasn’t just enough. Not even more than enough. Then I opened my eyes and saw how God met me again.
I thought I was already okay. But it has all been a lie that I’ve been trying to live on. And I wasn’t. I wasn’t okay.
Option. Unimportant. Insecure. Scared. Coward.
College became the place of test of faith. It has become the test of excellence amounting to how far I could go, yet leads me to failure and drove me insane every single night asking myself all the different kinds of questions a student like me could ever ask up to the point I became numb to all the grades I received.
Weren’t all my sleepless nights enough? Weren’t all my hardwork sufficient? Wasn’t I enough?
Heartbreak got me very lost. A lot time of grieving. A long time of just being unable to feel and speak how it hurt so badly. A traumatizing moment of finding answers to the endless whys. Months of hoping for another sequel. Nights that made me wonder how to get out from the pit of hell.
I had no idea where to start that time.
A church kid title got me pressured. Those days I would hear judgments, days that made everyone forgot I also make mistakes, days that vanished from everyone’s heads that I also go through something. And performance has become a cover up that I was still passionate and on fire for God. Because I used to be that. I got tired.
I thought I was ready to wage war again, but then when I saw myself standing in the middle of the battlefield, I felt the sense of urgency to back out because I have no armors with me. I wasn’t ready to fight. I wasn’t ready to combat all that were right there before me.
Pain has been my lesson over the past sixteen months. I would guess this is almost and could be a transition towards adulthood since I’ll be in my 20s this year. I have never become this person ever in my entire life whose heart became so fragile and cold until I have stumbled upon the day to bound myself with another set of great walls up that no person could ever get in to my world anymore. I have become the person who became more afraid and harsh that I could get. People have defined me these days as a very straightforward, aggressive, opinionated, and a defensive girl wherein they have never seen me as someone who walked through the valley of death and how my days became all days of succumb. I’ve never thought how this pruning season could turn me into this person I never expected. I guess it’s very true how pain changes people and how it transforms them to a person they never foresaw. But I would choose to believe that pain is a road to the land of new oceans to walk on by faith, mountains to defeat, and places to victory until I see the paradise destined for me.
All throughout, I explored how finding ourselves could never be in a place that is spectacular, perfect and breathtaking – it’s not in a sense where we will see ourselves through the beauty of nature or the beauty of the world or taste it through the most delicious food in town or read it through the best-selling book at the moment (although it could be instruments of soul searching). But finding ourselves in a sense where it’s through going back to our first Love – our Creator. No matter how broken we are, being vulnerable in front of God is probably the most humble thing to do.
I have never been into this season where honoring God became so tough and painful where I would find my knees fall on the ground each day crying out for grace and mercy to surpass all – where tears became an act of intercession – where being still became an act of trusting Him amidst – where lifting my hands became an act of surrender to win – where calling on God became believing in His silence – where all that I am became the sacrifice to become the woman and daughter I was created to be.
And I would say that obeying God was never been this easy.
I forcedly chose myself to believe that all things work together for good because that’s the hope I held on to ever since.
Ministry became my way of finding strength and intimacy with God. Friends became my way to get affirmation and comfort. Being alone became my security. But all of those failed because I was finding myself in the wrong and temporary places that would only give me temporary happiness and hope. And then, it finally hit me that I can only find myself wholly in His presence who quiets all the lies that whisper in my ears.
We get frustrated to finding ourselves most of the time, but it’s actually a time where we’ll see how marvelous we are in the end only if we are finding it in the right place. One day, we will see how absolutely perfect our broken pieces are that would bring us to the wholeness of our being. That our scars would speak loudly of His grace and love for us, giving us the power to silence every fear, trauma and shame.
Given the fact that we are products of pain, we are all conclusions of redemption and valor that are meant to be used powerfully to reach out the people who stumbled in life.
Praising God in defeat and failures was hard; praising Him in loss was difficult; praising Him in dryness and accusation was exhausting; even more praising God in heartbreak felt very selfish. It is always hard to praise God in the opposite of what we want to feel. But it’s where our hearts are tested how we are willing to give up for Him because He first foremost gave much up for us.
I had a choice to turn my back from Him and run away. I had a choice to disobey. But obeying felt like the only choice in the world because it is the only thing I could do from everything that He has done for me.
Nobody said honoring Him is easy as following rules in the cookbook. Honoring God goes beyond that. It will always cost you something and even more everything, but it’s the most wonderful thing we could ever give up because unless we know that He holds all things and is sovereign, we will be willing to let go of what needs to be let go of no matter how much it would hurt.