There would still be days I would think about the time what happened – whether that was even for the better or would continuously wish he stayed. Today, I randomly asked myself what was the most memorable yet painful thing I had to experience. Minutes had to pass then I came up with an answer. It was still the day my friend, he, decided to leave. I was emotionally attached that when the day had to bring me to detachment, it hurt.
But it was okay.
Four things spoke to me so bad that I had to suck that in my mind every single day why I should never go back to it:
1. Past is past.
Nobody said it was easy. While it is true that healing comes in after acknowledging a heartbreak, there are things that are meant to come to an end. The friendship was averagely fine, but it went off the boundaries. Although, we’re friends again; forgiveness was there because as we both know, there is healing in that – but it was never the same again. There was indeed a reconciliation, however, it was in terms of being reconciled for the self-peace we deserve.
It was though very traumatizing to how a close friend could break me (and so did I to him). It was totally enough complicated and there were things that led to assumptions that things didn’t have to be explained because it was already understood. There was no clarity. That, broke me one more time because I felt he left me hanging on the questions I asked myself each day and on the questions he refused to answer.
There are memories that aren’t supposed to be looked back on. Both parties had its faults but there will be people who come into our lives who are only seasonal and that I came to embrace as it was created to be. Because the reality is, some relationships need to fade and be cut off. I realized I deserved so much than this maybe because the silence in between and our apologies sufficed all the unanswered matters. Past remains the past.
2. Protecting myself is a necessity – all for the love for my future husband.
Many times I’ve asked, is it possible for a “right” person to come by at the wrong time and still get a second chance? But I guess, fate had to slap me that he wasn’t the right person. I have wanted to change my dreams that were once built with him so that when I achieve them one day, I won’t be reminded of him anymore.
But few months ago, I chose to watch us begin again – on our own stories – on our own lives. I loved him, yes. But my hormones would tell me to go beyond and purity in all aspects is personally and spiritually important. When the friendship ended, I never thought it was going to be that painful where I would find myself crying over it after several months. But even though, I realized I cannot invest on someone whom I don’t know if he’s the one and additionally the wrong time there. Time, feelings and effort wasted on the wrong person. I cannot imagine how heartbreaking it was to suddenly stop and let go of the person I thought I would marry. But I am eternally grateful because all these scars had to bring me where I am today.
Then I have just decided to protect my heart because this is for you, future husband. It is a choice to make.
3. I would dishonor my parents.
I feel sorry, honestly, because even when we were just friends, I had to hide the friendship. I don’t even know why but only I’ve realized I was hiding something. I love my parents so much; and my emotions should never dictate my decisions that would hurt their hearts terribly. I’ll leave it here.
4. God told me to let it go.
The most challenging of all with my faith. But there is definitely beauty in the life of surrender. Thankful because God had to cut branches from my life and finally rescued me from this heartbreak even when I was very devastated, broken and seemingly helpless and hopeless. I continuously felt God’s love – God’s heart for me. I can never thank enough that He had to break that off because He loves me way enough before I knew it.
Through letting my friend, the memories, and the feelings go, I’ve grown. This heartbreak taught me to bloom despite the storm. It taught me to be kind to myself even when it doesn’t feel right. It taught me to love myself, to prioritize myself because I cannot give what I don’t have. Love is indeed a decision. If it doesn’t worth working out, why stay? I’ve learned to leave the place I was so comfortable with. There is no joy in being confused every single time. This heartache taught me to let go because I will never progress and will be remained stuck if I don’t. After all, dysfunction is not love.
Nobody said it was easy, but it’s going to be worth it. There is grace when we finally accept things even when it hurts.