This is the year where recovery, restoration and healing were as tough as I thought. Going through the wilderness from the last year’s season where there is no shelter, no water to drink on; just basically lost and devastated and confused and tired – this year was more of a summer weather to me. I found my way home but I was still thirsty longing for more because I didn’t get to bask and rest to where I live. I always felt lacking and incomplete – which tells me why I am a work in progress in every season I may be in. I felt the uncertainties ahead of me, I became fearful of the days to come, and I probably knew I was going nowhere – but only ending up into God’s loving arms. In the end, at the mention of His Name, I am home.
Isolating myself from the world was a bit comforting; it gave me space and time to contemplate about life in general; it gave me the freedom to hear what’s necessary. From the voices to each corner of the room, I didn’t know which one to listen to. But I was glad that at some point I gave myself the right to be alone. I came to a point where I couldn’t trust anyone or rely to anybody, which some people don’t get why I don’t and which some friends don’t get why I build walls. But they’re no one to be blamed. What matters is, I get to listen to myself for the moment and give myself respect to value my own inner voice. That’s what I’ve learned from a married friend – that it’s important to hear your own heartbeat because we tend to listen to the world than to ourselves screaming that it needs to rest.
This year, I failed a major subject in my first semester. To be honest, I wasn’t really focused on what I had to finish. There were episodes where I would just rest and literally having no idea if I were tired or not, but I felt that I was extremely exhausted from everything everyday. That, I didn’t get to study for my final exam. All my grades went down; all of them weren’t excellent; I got at GWA of 3.0, which was equivalent to 75%. I got under probation too. It was basically my fault, but it was hard to battle something that I couldn’t do alone. It was a battle that I had to face it with an army.
That is jut one of the many scenarios in my life this year. And experiencing such made me feel like that something is stigmatized because majority won’t get why I have to go through it. The closest people to my heart didn’t acknowledge that some feelings and thoughts exist, which made it a lot tougher. I tried repressing every thought and every emotion. And yet, I was still in that depressive state for a year – spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally and socially. But I am blessed because there were people who still fought for me. Above all, He, the grace of all grace, fought for me. After all, strength doesn’t mean that you go to the battlefield and have a game face on; but it means going to the father and letting him fight for you. In that, in my weakest, I am also the strongest because my God is strong.
I’ve asked God many times why He had to show others my faults, my errors and my blunders where He can just see it Himself. Humility was the main answer to every question that I’ve asked. It was shameful, humiliating and embarrassing, but it has brought the power of God in my life when He showed me that His glory is greater than all these. It was His glory that humbled my entire being down, that at the very declaration of His mighty Name, my knees fall and my tongue confess that He is Lord of all.
It has been a roller coaster 2016; it has been a great year, at least. But I still have struggles today; that’s not surprising. I am where I have to be – in the process of being a better person, a better daughter and a better friend. That’s what this journey makes it worthwhile after all.
I don’t feel hopeful or excited for 2017, but I am going to go where God wants me to go. I’m making a decision to rise up again and be the warrior He created me to be. That’s a tough statement, but I will. If you’re a friend of mine, and I forget to follow, remind me this.