Confession: I said I am back but nothing really changed.

Oh passionate woman, where are you?

I questioned the person on the mirror I was looking at.

Many of my days started to crumble right down my face and things weren’t falling into place. Passion is dead, joy is gone, peace is destroyed, love is taken away – fear and doubt have ruled. Things weren’t just right for me, or perhaps they’re not convenient, as it seem to be.

 When will this end?

 It’s been two years that I said I am recovering from my brokenness but here am I still paralyzed, confused and pathetic. I’d admit that the decision is mine to be okay, to be able to reach the finish line and declaring that I have fought the good fight of faith, but I’m afraid that I terribly fail everyday. I badly miss the goal of being happy wherever and whatever season I am in. I always thought, I’m okay, but I find myself in the middle of the night screaming and crying inside, and feeling the wounds bleeding right inside of me. Memories flash back, stories are told on repeat in mind, then in oblivion, my anger starts to boil up until I continue to relive these scars and turn them into reality again – ending up to be a miserable human being again.

A friend of mine had presumptions that maybe I was bitter with God – that I am bitter with the reality that I cannot escape what I am going through so I just exist and pretend I am as invisible as the air. And maybe I am. I honestly couldn’t accept the fact that He gives me challenges that is beyond my strength. But what I never realize that all these lies that I try to believe in for the longest time could twist me so hard and point me back that nothing really changed – that God never changed; He’s still faithful.

However, I am still the chained girl that I used to be – living in the dark feeling useless, forgotten and abandoned. I do not know what I can do to be better; all I know is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. To my life filled with uncertainties, I know that there is one truth among these millions of doubt that I continuously aim to believe, and that is God heals. One day, I’ll see myself soar again and would have the capability to rise and trust the big unknown, because after all, the God who redeemed me from the pit years back is also the same God who will redeem me from my brokenness this time. I don’t know when, but perfect time will come.

So what’s the point of all this? Most of what you’ve just read is filled with negativity and bad news, but the thing about that, I am asking you to be brave for the people who are weak in front of you. Be the kind of vessel that will draw them near again to their Source. If you can’t talk to God, talk to people who can, one blog article said. We need you. We are in this together. No battle is won by just one; it is a battle that is won by an army. Let’s give each other reasons why there is joy in living this life.

I am extending my thanks and love to the people who are part of this journey, whether you’re a close friend, or a friend that is already part of the history.

And I will always say, I am back because God never fails to call me back and call me His own. Nothing changed, I am still His daughter.

 

-Rinnah Ramirez

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