Mornings that I’d feel desolated; nights that I’d feel lofty– many times I didn’t understand why my emotions just go run wild or why my thoughts have gone too far. I feel the flow of the wind brushing my hair off my face, and raindrops on my umbrella; on other days, I feel the humid of the weather and each ray of the sun strikes my skin. I came across a certain point why I feel poetic sometimes together with the warm sentiments I could write on a paper, feeling that I can brave on stage by screaming these feelings out, or thinking that I am an extra artist on a music video in a bus with my earphones on.
We find ourselves losing touch with reality because we wanted to direct our own lives and wish this were a movie. At least, we’re in control. There is a definite stillness in those wind effects while walking down the street or jogging early in the morning. Reality hits you and makes you interrogate the fullness of the universe. Whenever you are in the shower, you spend hours sitting there in the cubicle and probably having a pep talk with yourself and make sure that you’d be ready in whatever circumstances you may have on that day. But you catch yourself being wounded, sobbing like a kid – there’s an unspoken war you have to fight against and again you don’t understand why.
I often wonder, why don’t (can’t) we understanding everything? The “undeserving” bad and good things that happen to us, the people we meet, the heartbreaks we cried on, the food we crave at 4am, the skies that are painted either pink or blue, how this body works through each muscle, bone, blood vessel and vein – these are one of the fewest things I could list on. But sometimes no matter how hard I try, my mind couldn’t grasp the wholeness of the rationale of everything. Even the limited patience and understanding of our parents, we often question that because we think they won’t understand; hence, the generation gap. I occasionally attempted to explain myself to people whom I believed would puzzle out the complexity of my life yet I still see these unresolved issues in my front yard.
Then, suddenly, I have found peace in not understanding things. Even when it hurt dreadfully, even when I felt like I was deserted in the wilderness, even when I felt like I wasn’t incredibly loved, I found peace in knowing that God understands – that He understands every emotion my hypothalamus receives. I finally have learned to see this clear and unquestionable peace from within because He is Peace Himself. My mind may wage loud conflicts from time to time but I know He has the power to quiet these strong waves of lies. My heart may race so quickly when Goliaths come my way, yet I also know that He has the ability to command to tranquilize this beating.
I found peace in knowing that some people wouldn’t be able to figure out why I frequently feel horrible; I found peace in knowing that all humans have intricate thoughts and reactions day by day; I found peace in knowing that I was a little frightened yesterday and extremely horrified last week; I found peace in knowing that all these things work together for best; I found peace in knowing that this is temporary; I found peace in my spirit because I know that even when I couldn’t answer the questions myself, He holds and secures all things and won’t let anything, not even my prodigality, separate me from His love. When days would come that I won’t break off surrendering my doubt; today, I have found peace that there is beauty in laying it all down, especially knowing and believing that He is unsurpassed, prime and ultimate above everything.