It was exactly four in the morning with heavy breathing in swollen eyes, rolls of tissue on the bed, and a clouded mind full of confused questions leaving my body paralyzed under this blue blanket asking God – where are you? It took me seemingly a forever to find out where He actually was.
I have lost myself in wandering over and over; I found myself in a place of nowhere, seeing bridges go in smoke from countless of people, including God. It was a tragedy that I never want to go back at it anymore, and yet it’s a story that finally unfolded that I’m better.
It hurt so much, as if I would never get healed, as if everything that ended between us was an ending of my life already. I felt the pain sting so hard in my head and in my heart, I didn’t want to remember things vividly and clear. I want it burned, and gone. But it’s still there. How could everyone actually say with conviction that healing would come in the right time when I don’t actually see myself recovering? Three, four, five months – I was still suffering. Where is God in all this? I tried to let go every single thing I had to surrender even when it cut me really bad, but I felt like everyday was a punishment to the disobedience that I have committed.
Five months had passed; hardships came even stronger, however. My strength wasn’t sufficient enough. How could God allow another batch of heartbreaks when I wasn’t even settled yet with the first one? I thought I was braver in facing these all, but I thought I numbed all of this pain just to pretend that I went out of that door of tragedy as a firmer woman.
I was wrong.
Here I was sent to the warzone, waiting for my death.
It looked like I would never get out of there.
Lord, where are You?
The clock’s hands stroked at 2:31am, I was shedding tears again after a long time. My lips couldn’t utter any word. My tongue was tied. My mind was discomposed not even knowing what to say or ask God. I felt empty, it hurt like hell. Not even worship was even an option to make as I get one more tissue from my parents’ closet as I finish the last one. I felt forgotten. I felt like I was this child who got kicked out from the house and never got found.
Yet the Lord whispered exactly on my birthday, you are not forgotten, my child. I have loved you with an everlasting love.
River of tears came out of my eyes again. The Lord is here. My Father is here.
I have no idea how much comfort it brought to me after I heard it.
How many times have I ever overlooked God when He has always been there? His promises seemed not enough for me in my days of desolation, but I was actually the one who wasn’t seeing things through my heart – through the heartbeat of Jesus – the lover of my soul.
Where is God when I was hurting?
All along, He was just there. He was there trying to wipe my tears away, but I never saw it. He was there embracing me tightly to His arms, yet I never acknowledge that He was in front of me. I was selfish. I was battling with myself if God actually understood me or not. But He actually did.
I have avoided and ran away from the healing that was before me because I thought my pain was stronger than that gift.
God probably was silent, or perhaps I wasn’t listening. But the point of all this, He never left. His love was with me. It never abandoned me, it never forgot me, and it never betrayed me.
Even in silence, even in the loudest of the loud battles I face, even in the in-betweens, the Lord is close to me. He is. I truly believe that.
And to be reminded that I am His child changed everything in a drop of the hand. I stood firm in my weak knees on the truth that I am completely known and fully loved. Circumstances sway my faith from time to time, but I know He’s here. His gentle voice reminds me that we will never be apart.
Assured. Secure. Whole.
That’s who I am, no matter what.
– Rinnah Ramirez