There’s a thick air between me and the walls as I stare blankly at nothing wishing I could take the words back – what are we?
It’s strange to be at something with a guy not knowing what you really are in the first place. Over the years, I have questioned my worth through the special and lovely things these men do. They were great guys, honestly. That was however devastating not knowing their intentions toward me. Even more heartbreaking when someone relevant in my life walked out the door leaving me like a lost little girl in the mall not knowing where to go and find her way back home. And someone who made me wait that they were coming back for me but never did. It crushes my soul awfully and immensely hard. Why?
There is sting in it.
Pain is the most uncomfortable and complicated sensation of all.
Oddly, the questions itself were asking me on a 32-degree-celsius Wednesday and it forced me to answer it myself and convinced that I’m probably not worth anything. I slowly closed my hand into a fist braving these painful realities that I had to face.
Am I not worth the effort?
Am I not worth the time?
Am I not worth the wait?
Am I not worth the fight?
Am I not worth the love?
And here you are dear woman, you have perhaps asked questions these yourself when you were alone in an abandoned swing with strong winds blowing your hair off or in a coffee shop at 3pm with your laptop on but looks at it inexpressively. And I tell you, you are worth everything. You are worth it, regardless.
And so am I.
Truth has been kept because I never revealed it myself when I needed it the most. I felt like the entire world was telling me that I am just a piece of trash that can be recycled again and again, yet could easily be thrown at anywhere in the streets.
Am I that easy to get replaced?
Being left in the air is one of the most tragic things I had to experience. No explanations, no answers, no anything – just 500 meters thick wall between me again and the possible answers that could try satisfying my overclouded head.
Am I not worth any word?
Am I that easy to leave?
Am I not enough?
Am I not beautiful?
These rhetoric questions kept me crippled like a conditioned person who is not able to do anything. I hanged myself in all of these, expecting some answers that I’d never ever hear.
I attempted believing that I’m worth it on the nights I don’t feel like it. Because maybe I thought that’s the truth. Even when this boy didn’t make me feel that I am. Even when this closest friend failed to show that I am important. And the list of people goes on who didn’t or did know that I felt neglected.
I have fooled myself endlessly in a trap of possibilities and prospects that maybe – just maybe, happy ending is the end. But it wasn’t. I tried taking risks because I assumed it could at least make me a bit brave but little did I realize, it wasn’t worth the take. And it crushed me again from being brave to a weakling.
I was that willing to hear the hard truth because I supposed that getting answers could add to my value. Or I don’t know. I’ll never know.
Yet even so, in one whole year of contemplating, interrogating, judging and doubting my importance, I decided to live loved now. Loved – in such a way that I am full, complete, and guaranteed by the Love that fills me daily.
I am not a perfect woman. As young as I am, you may be reading this with an older age than 20 and wondering how dramatic my life was when I was too young to get heartbroken at the age of 17 to 19. But we all struggle in so many ways because unsurprisingly our hearts are foolish and deceitful. Emotions are our worst and best friend. Strong, courageous, and bold women we may be, but at some point we’d feel the lowest of low digging into the graveyard as if we are dead in our brokenness. And it’s okay.
“It is no sin to feel hurt,” my best friend puts it this way.
And this is not the end.
Pain is blessedly a gift because it is a great opportunity for us to invite the God who made this heart strong and still beating, to heal every bloody wound and make it new and whole again.
I like how we symbolize sunsets are good example of endings that it can be good too – happily ever after with ourselves (at least for the moment).
The pain we have experienced doesn’t mean anything of a degraded value. As they say, no matter how we step on, throw, and crumple the 1,000 peso bill (or 500 dollars) – its value remains the same, and so are we.
I have honestly no answers to all the questions I’ve asked myself, neither to yours. But one thing I am sure of, you are better than jewels, and beyond valuable than combined pearls and diamonds caught in the deep oceans. Because you were bought with a price. A price that cost blood, sweat, life and everlasting love just to let you know how much you are absolutely loved. Jesus bought you. You are His, my sister. Nothing can take away your worth that was bestowed upon you by the King. And no one can tarnish the crown that is placed upon your head because you are but a royal.
Stand tall, princess.
You are more than this heartbreak.
The Lord has best prepared something for you and for me. You are not alone. We’re going to love again as if we never got broken.